A happy day, a happy day
The best one of the year
Lord Archer's wife went into court
The verdict for to hear
And when the judgement it was done
She cast her eyes about
And there she saw Inspector Plod
Watching her from the crowd
"Come down the nick, your Ladyship
Come down the nick, alright?
I'm after you, your Ladyship
Cos perjury aint right"
"Oh I can't go there, I won't go there
To be quest-ion'd tonight
By the things you say, I very much fear
I'm in the shit - that right?"
"Tis true I am Lord Archer's wife,
Lord Archer's not at home
He's held in maximum scurity,
Reaping what he's sown."
A red-top journo standing by
He heard the Lady's moan
He swore his editor he would know
And reached for his mobile phone.
And in his rush to report the news,
His shorthand notebook filled
Didn't look as he crossed the road
And by a bus was killed
The tired Inspector, he lay down
And took a little sleep
When he awoke Her Ladyship,
Was lolling round his feet
Saying: "How do you like my sexy dress
Fancy a turn with me?
And if you do, I'm asking you,
To let me off scott free."
"Oh well I like your sexy dress
Like any red-blooded male
I'll give you one, your Ladyship
THEN bang you up in jail."
"Get stuffed! Get stuffed!" the Lady sneered,
"I've got a hidden tape
I'll tell the whole of fair England
I was victim of your rape!"
"Oh bloody hell!" the copper swore,
"I really feel a clown
For you have got me bang to rights
Caught with my knickers down"
"Well it's true I have the evidence
To email, phone or fax
If you don't drop the perj'ry charge
I'm sending it to Max"
"And you will take the witness stand
And take it like a man
Then I will give MY evidence
And I'll damn you if I can."
The poor Inspector took the stand
To condemn the lady sore
But when she gave her evidence
His career was no more.
Then Lady Archer told the press:
"That copper lied 'bout me
Must've done the same in the previous trial
So set my Jeffrey free"
And then spoke up the tabloid press
As always, coarse and flagrant:
"We've got further evidence
That proves you far from fragrant"
Lady A saw the game was up
And loudly came her sighs
She stuck herself right through the heart
And expired before their eyes
"Tis grave tis grave" the red-tops cried
"This crooked woman's dead.
But we've a short attention span
So here's some tits instead"
(Words by Andy Farquarson)