A Bank Holiday, a Bank Holiday and the first one of the year
Lady George drove to the pub, for a ploughman's and a half of beer
And when the ploughman he was done, she cast her eyes about
and there she saw young Matthew, a local eco-lout
"Drive home with me, little Matty boy, drive home with me right now
and I'll demonstrate my electrically adjustable seats, I'll demonstrate - and how!"
"Oh, I'll can't drive home and I won't drive home, in your enormous great Range Rover
It's people like you who are destroying rain forrests, and eroding the cliffs at Dover!"
"Oh 'tis true I have a vanity gas-guzzler, and it is a four-by-four
but I long to handle your gear lever and make your engine roar!
And if you're worried about Lord George, he's rarely home as a rule
He is out canvassing for votes, promising to drop the price of fuel"
Little Matty boy, he stood firm and refused to ride in the Jeep
saying "If it were up to me everyone would walk. Petrol wouldn't be so cheap.
But it's not a drive you're after, I believe. I know what you really like
so leave the door on the latch, you naughty tart, and I'll be round later on my bike"
A mechanic, who was idling there, and hearing such mucky chat,
swore Lord George he would know, or he would eat his hat
And in his hurry to carry the news, his Land Cruiser really clattered
but when he came to the broad mill stream, it barely even mattered
Dirty young Matt, he lay down, and indulged in illicit rumpy-pumpy
but when he looked up there was Lord George, and boy, did he look grumpy
Lord G said: "Well, I've seen your pimply arse, and that's a gruesome fact,
So I will kill the both of you, and make it look like a suicide pact"
So he gassed them both, Matt and Lady G, with fumes from his four-by-four
and when the police arrived they found them both, dead upon the garage floor
"A grave! A grave!" Lord George, he cried, "to put these lovers in"
and the sympathy vote he received, ensured an election win.
Written By Widds